Review: Jurassic Park! RAAAAAAWWRRRRRR!!!

 

 Review: Jurassic Park

Let me start this review by saying that I'm very sorry if my friend J.Mac spent the full $10 dollars on this adaptation of Steven Spielberg's film.  Very, very sorry.  Secondly, i'd like to point out that this comic book smelled funny upon my opening it, and I hope that's not an indication of what J.Mac has been doing with it.  

I'm just sayin'.

We all know the story: eccentric billionaire spends shitloads of money making an island full of dinosaurs, only to have his hopes and dreams shattered when the very first people to visit it are injured, maimed, violently dismembered, and otherwise killed on the premises.  Lesson learned?  Hardly.  There are two horrifically bad sequels to the original Jurassic Park film.

But we're not here to talk about that.  

We're here to talk about scenes like this: 

Ignoring momentarily the appalling lack of shading, i'm inclined to point out that "RAAAAAAWWWR" and "NOOOOOOOOO" seems to be the running theme of this book.  Nearly every character utters/moans/screams it at some point, mostly in their final moments or what they perceive to be their final moments. Even the dinosaurs are actually given speech bubbles to indicate that, yes, they are in fact the characters "speaking".  

Because I don't know about you, but without those bubbles I never would have been able to figure out who was saying "RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWR" and "ROOOOOOOAAAAAAOOOORR" and "HIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" 

Getting back to the art.  This is probably one of the most poorly drawn comics i've ever seen.  You would think, with this being an "official" tie in to one of the most popular movies of all time, that it would have garnered a better artist.  Sadly not.  The line art, while not being too horrible unto itself, is so badly inked, colored and shaded that it looks like something a high school senior might do as their final project in art class.  The coloring is so poor that it makes the drawings look absolutely flat, which I would expect of a comic that was produced in...say...the 1950's.  But this comic came out in 1993, and comic coloring in that time was not nearly this poor.

STEVEN SPIELBERG OBVIOUSLY HATES COMICS AND THE ENTIRE COMIC INDUSTRY.

I must admit, however, that I was impressed with the fact that they left most of the character deaths in the storyline.  The movie was PG-13, but the comic industry doesn't really have a rating system like that. So, seeing as how comics have always been considered something "for kids", I was kind of shocked to see even poorly drawn goat intestines and splattering blood on the page.  Because apparently it's not okay for kids to see violent death on screen, but looking at a dinosaur rip its claws into a man's bleeding face when it's not moving is perfectly all right.

Ohhhh, priorities.

On a disturbing and politically charged note, the only character death left out was...the black man's.  I mean, for god's sake, we see the annoying fat, white dude get eaten! But the poor, token black man?  We're left wondering at his fate, as even in the last panel of the comic he is woefully absent.  Did he die?  Did they intentionally leave his black ass behind?  Did he join the dinosaurs in carnage and violence like the 1992 L.A riots?  We don't know. We will never know.

THIS COMIC IS OBVIOUSLY RACIST.

I would also like to point out that the creators of this comic should be grateful that the actors of the film didn't sue them for emotional trauma and defamation of character.  Because if you put a picture of any actor in the film next to his or her corresponding comic doppelganger...well...it is not flattering.  I mean, if all you ever saw was this comic, you would assume that the entire film had been acted by very unattractive men who all look like forty-five year old overweight porn stars. Even the women.

No offense to porn stars.

So, all in all, am I glad I got my hands on this comic?  That I got a chance to read a tie in to one of my favorite films of all time?  No.  No, i'm not.  Because I had very fond memories of that film, and now every time I watch it or even think about watching it, all i'm going to see is this:

Thanks a fucking lot, J.Mac. You asshole.

Retro Review: The Legion 1-8 or Why Legion World is Better than Disney World.

Retro Review: The Legion 1-8 of 38 (2001)

Welcome back, legionnaires!  We know you just watched three of your friends die, you've been stranded in another galaxy for a year and that you're most likely a bit traumatized, but heeeeey, what's another attempt at world domination between pals, right?

No, seriously, these kids cannot catch a break!

Our lost legionnaires have returned from their year long sojourn to find that the U.P has gone loony and some very unflattering stone effigies have been erected in their honor.  What the hell is going on?  I have absolutely no idea as I haven't read Legion Worlds yet.  But on a side-note: what possessed DC to change the title of the comic?  Why didn't they just go back to Legion of Superheroes once Legion Lost was over?  I mean, it was one thing to cancel Legionnaires, but why cancel both running titles and then rename the entire concept something entirely different?  Was that supposed to be new and edgy?  

Friends, there has never been, nor will their ever be, anything "new and edgy" about the Legion of Superheroes.  Cheese is their superpower. 

DnA plop our returning heroes down in the middle of a conspiracy, where the notorious villain Ra's al Ghul has secretly transplanted himself (in the guise of Leland McCauley) as president of the U.P, warping it into a totalitarian state in what I assume is a matter of months.  While i'm not entirely sure how he accomplished it, I am nevertheless rather fascinated by this more realistic, darker version of the 31st century.  The only oddity, to me, is how in the world they managed to "fix" Earth when only the previous year Saturn Girl was begging for aide when the Blight had forced the planet to the point of death.  

It got better?

Within the first two issues the group is dodging assassination attempts, fighting a government sanctioned group called the Oversight Watch, and trudging through a very nasty sewer.  It is here that we discover that Leland McCauley is not Leland McCauley at all, and the plot thickens.  OoooOooOooooo.  However, the sewage is also thickening, and the group is nearly about to be in it up to their necks when they are rescued by the remaining legionnaires who promptly take them to...

LEGION WORLD.  

Oh, my good lord, R.J Brande built a planet.  And while I have to admit the concept is nifty, I can't help but laugh at the name.  Couldn't they come up with anything better than Legion World?  Whoever was in charge of that should be fired.

Besides, if it doesn't have the teacup ride, i'm not going.

The entire storyline picks up speed after this, and while it should have been confusing, I give the writers credit in that it didn't feel too rushed.  In fact, the exposure of Ra's al Ghul coming in the middle of the plotline was a pleasant surprise, as I would have thought they'd leave his big reveal for later.  I was also really impressed with the characterization of M'Onel in this arc.  This reboot had sort of mellowed out his character a bit, but here we see a strong-willed, almost arrogant young man, unused to being in a position of vulnerability.  This is a character that I can imagine seeding worlds.  I hope, despite the fact that this series' run ends with issue #38, that they kept up his growth.   

It's at this point that the arc has what I feel is its only lagging point.  For whatever reason we're treated to an Afterschool Special issue, where we all learn a valuable lesson on prejudice and putting aside vengeance and extremism.  Awwwwwwww.  Really, the goal of the issue was to get the Kwai to help the Legion make super-awesome, inter-dimensional gates that they can use to travel around, so I'm not sure why we need this odd backstory to go along with it.  

I'm sure it comes up later in the series.

Soon enough we're back to Earth, where everyone is getting turned into little eggs and Kinetix has been transformed...again.  However, unlike previous transformations, this one seems somewhat useful!  She's apparently now something of an evolutionary midwife, helping the human species to evolve during a cataclysmic event.  Not only that, but they sort of threw her old personality out the window when they evolved her!  Yay!   

Best of all, thanks to her, we have the cutest scene in the whole arc.

OMGOD, BRAINY, WHY SO CUTE?!  

Despite the fact that the storyline ends with a bit of a deus ex machina, it wasn't so ridiculous that I couldn't enjoy myself.  Okay, okay, using Legion World to counterbalance the moon's gravity is pretty ridiculous, but who cares?  Besides, I really like all the little threads of new storylines popping up while i'm suspending disbelief!  Venge is not who he seems?  Why all these clones?  Robotica!  Does this mean COMPUTO?  What's going to happen to Earth now?!  The depth of storytelling is way better than anything i've seen coming from the Legion in the New 52!  

Not to mention, M'Onel saying "Just you. And me." was cheesy and awesome all at the same time.  

So!  All in all I found this first arc of The Legion series to be absolutely great.  For the first time in forever this series seems fresh, and i'm including the current storylines in that.  I've been told that i'll feel the same way about the Threeboot series, but i've read a few issues of it and...well...i'll leave that rant for later when I've managed to snag them all.  

All that being said, i'm super glad I bought this series in full so I can keep reading!  It's a hoot so far!  And as always, science buddies!

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!

Retro Review: Legion Lost (2000-01) or Why You Should Never Get Lost in Time and Space Without Brainy.

Review: Legion Lost #1-12 (reboot legion)

And this, friends, is why the current Legion Lost series sucks.  How the hell do they expect to get home without Brainiac 5 to do all the heavy thinking?  To be honest, it was actually a shock to me upon picking up the new 52 Legion Lost that Brainiac 5 had not been thrown back in time with them. It had always been my experience that any time the legion is cast adrift, Brainy is inevitably going to be along for the ride to think them home.

It also surprised me that they'd used that title again, already having done so ten years ago.  But no one ever said DC was known for originality.    

However, I'm not here to discuss the current Legion Lost title.  No.  I'm here to discuss something good.  I'm here to discuss the original Legion Lost maxi-series, back in 2000 when Dan and Andy weren't big names yet and Coipel was still working out his artistic style.

This is my legion.

First out, let me say that this is not a good starting point for new readers.  If you haven't read the Blight and Widening Rifts storylines, you are most likely not going to have a freaking clue what's going on.  And that's a real shame, because Legion Lost was some of the best storytelling that the rebooted legion ever saw.  However, to aide the hapless reader, the Blight storyline was complied into something like a trade paperback last year and is sold at Amazon.  I've yet to find a collection of Widening Rifts, but you should be able to find it on Ebay if you're patient enough.

This series was gritty (I don't just mean Coipel's art), creative, and a little heartbreaking.  The Blight storyline had forced our young heroes to do some quick growing up, but this cemented them in my mind as full-fledged adults.  This was not a group of starry-eyed kids protecting the United Planets anymore.  This was a small, slowly fragmenting group of scared individuals fighting to survive while trying to hold on to the ideals that made them who they were.   

And that was a huge step forward in this series and for these characters.  Many of whom had not seem significant growth in many years.

Admittedly, some grew more than others.  Live Wire, for example, pretty much did nothing but bitch and moan most of the series.  Despite him being a founder, and therefore a character with the a lot of potential, I couldn't help but feel that his part easily could have been filled by any other legionnaire. It was clear he was really only in the group to be a sounding board for Imra's angst and to make the heroic sacrifice at the end.  Likewise, poor Ultra Boy was also a tool, quietly relegated to the background as though he was barely there once his part in the plot had been exposed.  A shame, considering Jo was desperately in need of some development.  Monstress especially, a character whom I was under the impression no one in the fanbase really liked, existed for a singular purpose.  Despite having quite a few touching scenes, I easily got the impression that the writers were only spotlighting her so that when they killed her off we'd give a shit about it.  Which was disappointing, as she had quickly become a well-rounded, likable person whom I would have liked to see more of in The Legion series.   

Other legionnaires fared better.  Saturn Girl, as previously mentioned, bloomed well despite the writers using her telepathy in a slightly cliched way.  We'd seen her animate Rokk's comatose body in the past without her own knowledge, but this deliberate deception, creating a telepathic projection of Tinya, was a step past that.  It made me re-examine Imra, rethink her motivations and the strength of her character.  Was she right or wrong to do what she did?  Is full disclosure, the hard truth, really what people want?  Or is it easier to give and believe the small lies, the small untruths, to give us purpose and save our communal peace of mind?

It's a question that would be explored far more darkly when the legion is rebooted again.

Brainiac 5, my favorite legionnaire, really shines in this series.  Not only does he shed his annoying name "upgrade", but he also sheds the tired misconception that he is completely infallible.  That he can think his way out of anything.  There's always been a feeling throughout the legion's history that Brainy can pretty much solve any problem in the known universe, so it was refreshing to see him almost completely fail, to admit to those failings and his own limitations.  This more vulnerable, emotional character was what his "upgrade" had originally promised us but had up until this point not delivered. 

I think i'm going to be one of the few who say that I really liked Shikari.  Now, I know that some fans think her to be a strange version of Dawnstar, but you know what?  I never read any legion comics with Dawnstar in them, so Shikari was and still is an entirely separate character to me.  I like her sweet, sensitive nature with a warrior's heart underneath.  I like that she's bold and says what she's thinking.  I thought she was a great addition to the team, as pathfinding abilities are always useful.  So, say what you will, but I like her. 

On the whole, the plot is tightly woven and surprisingly dense considering it was only twelve issues.  There are a few little gaps here and there, such as how on earth Spark was "helping" pilot a cruiser when she's a figment of Chameleon's imagination or how exactly Element Lad became immortal, but most of them are pretty nitpicky.  Like the Blight storyline, there is a real sense of fear to the narrative, a desperation that I didn't feel when the legionnaires were cast back into the 20th century.  Unlike with the Blight though, this time the writers had more time to develop the characters along with making a compelling story, which meant things could develop more slowly.  For instance, Tinya had been part of the group for so long that when she turned out to be a figment of everyone's imagination I was just as genuinely shocked as the legionnaires.  It had been built up so that I'd simply come to accept that she was there and she was real.  I love plot twists that actually fool me.           

The art.  Okay, i've read that a lot of people didn't really care for Coipel's art style at the time.  They thought it too rough and unrefined, but I think that's what I like about it.  The series itself is gritty and raw, and so this sort of scratchy artistic style suits the narrative.  That and Coipel draws facial expression adorably.  There were a few scenes of Brainy where I laughed out loud at the goofy look on his face.  I could also see a definite progression of quality in the issues, even in such a short run.  Issue twelve is much cleaner and well put together than issue one, though I don't know if it has anything to do with the inker or colorist.  Regardless, the very fact that I can see such a vast improvement in such a limited run speaks volumes for Coipel's craft.  Not to mention the fact that now, ten years later, I can see what a beautiful style it has progressed into. 

So!  All in all?  I loved it.  I loved it enough that while I originally bought the hardback compilation, i've since gone back and bought the original run.  I liked it that much.  It reminded me of why I loved the legion back in my teenage years, and it gave me that sweet, nostalgic feeling in my gut.  It also made me a bit sad upon remembering that these legionnaires are now wandering the multiverse without a home.  To me, that's a terrible fate for characters that I loved and still love so much.  But I guess this is how fans of the original run  felt when it was rebooted in the 90's.

Up next will be the new Legion of Superheros #0 issue and then onto The Legion series!  I'm looking forward to it! So, until next time, dear readers (all five of you)...

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!

Review: Legion Secret Origins #1 or Why is Brainy Pointing At His Crotch?

 Review: Legion Secret Origins #1/6

 

It says something about the popularity of this miniseries that it ended in May and all of the issues were still on the shelves in August with the exception of #5, which was oddly absent.  What, does something amazing happen in #5 that I should know about? In all seriousness though, I thought this mini was pretty good, as it's always nice to help new readers find their way into the "origins" of a series.  Especially one with such a long and ..."complex" history as the legion.  I especially loved the penciling!  I recognized the style instantly from The Legion series, and if Portela is leaving the current Legion of Superheroes title than I'd  love to see Batista take back the reins.

The series plants us on the planet Anotrom, where the Science Police are investigating what appears to be a worldwide massacre in suits that remind me vaguely of Starship Troopers.  Cue them being flabbergasted, as things like that just don't happen in the 31st century!  Ignore the fact that I can recall it happening at least four times at different points in legion history.

It doesn't happen often, anyway.

On a curious sidenote: why are 98% of the aliens in comics always bipedal?  Moreover, why don't we see more lifeforms that aren't carbon based?  What, did no four legged dog aliens become sentient?  Can we not have telepathic crystal aliens?  Aliens without navels?  Creativity here, people!

At any rate, once the Science Police -- being an inept group kept around solely for plot movement -- are not able to discern what the hell happened to Anotrom and accidentally blow up the side of a cruiser, they find themselves on Colu begging the help of the Little Green Men.  Or in this case, one little green man named Querl Dox, who, along with being the "mightiest thinker" of them all,  is also the only Coluan without male pattern baldness.

Mightiest thinker of them all, indeed.

It's at this point that we're introduced to an odd trio of characters through whom all the alternating threads of the storyline are meant to pass.  They're sort of like glorified data processors, from what I can tell.  And it is through them that we witness our real origin story --you know-- the one about Garth, Imra and Rokk saving Brande from an assassination attempt?  Yeah, that one.  It's also to be noted that I believe this is the moment that we're meant to get an ominous feeling about one of our trio, and not only due to the fact that he looks like a cross between Morgan Freeman and Kofi Annan.  I smell something fishy, and it isn't just the copious amounts of spandex being worn in the 31st century.

Seriously!  Everyone's outfit is skin tight!

Back on Anotrom, our Mightest Thinker is having the first off-world adventure of his life with what I think is the tiniest yellow carry-on in the galaxy.  I am unclear exactly what can fit into that thing, as the one instrument Brainy does pull from it likely took up half the available space.  Regardless, it matches well with both his hair and go-go boots, so at least Brainy knows how to accessorize, despite the fact that he's wearing an entire suit of pink and purple.

It's at this point that i'd like to mention my one major problem with this series: the storyline confusion.  Brainiac 5's little device is about to give off a small amount of energy which will then be absorbed by a small pink orb and explode like the side of that previously mentioned cruiser.  And I'll be honest with you.  That scene was so brief and dismissible that i'd already forgotten about it.  So this explosion confused me enough that I had to go back and re-read the beginning.  

This is not cohesive storytelling. 

But hey, what does it matter when Tinya is here to confuse me even further by phasing up through the surface of the planet!  Wait, what?  What prompted this?  Where was she previously?  Was she just floating in the rocks?  When did she get there?  Why is Brainiac 5 pointing at his crotch?!  Surely there is a better way to activate that forcefield belt than pointing at your crotch.  

Even Tinya's explanation of coming through the wormhole to "warn" people doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.  If she came through the wormhole than she's been on this decimated planet for what...days?  And she's just now floating up through the rocks?  What?  Why?

This is not cohesive storytelling.  But dammit if Brainiac 5's facial expressions don't make me laugh.  And he and Tinya pressing fingers together is rather adorable.  

The issue ends with Luornu being sworn into the legion while our glorified data processors watch absolutely everything in a way that is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.  Seriously, how are they doing this?  I don't see cameras floating around everywhere.  Watching the swearing in makes sense, as there might be media cameras, but how are they watching Brainiac 5 and Tinya?  

On the whole, I'm enjoying this series, though mostly for its art.  Its all rather cute and harmless fun, and the amount of Brainiac 5 scenes makes me, as usual, super happy.  They need to give him his own series.  I bet people would read it.  Granted, a whole issue of him sitting in his lab, experimenting on cockroaches, might not make for good reading.  

Here's to me actually finding issue #5 of this series and remember friends:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!

Retro Review! Thor #600 or Why Loki Needs RevitaLift.

Retro Review: Thor #600

There is no logical reason for Don Blake to be so prominently displayed on this cover.  He has a total of two pages to his credit in this issue and does absolutely nothing in that time.  Why then is he given a rather ominous, prominent spot on the cover?  Perhaps time will tell, though I was not of the impression that this story-arc had much to do with him.

It apparently does, however, have a lot to do with Loki.  And it is he that opens the storyline now, standing regally in the snow, adorned in his traditional golden horns and long fur coat with dead animal heads trailing the ground.  Sexy.  Or I guess I should say 'she', as Loki is currently in his Lady Loki form.  We'll go with 'he' as Loki identifies as a male throughout comic history.

The numbering of this issue confuses me to no end.  This was the third official Thor series, but issue #600 picks up after issue #12 to pay homage to the "classic" numbering.  Classic in regards to what series I'm not sure.  And then, to make matters more confusing, the storyline then picks up again at Journey into Mystery #622-645.

Whut?

Let's just get back to Loki, okay?

Let it be known that Olivier Coipel is one of my favorite comic artists, but I just cannot get into the way he draws Loki in this arc.  His poor face is so gaunt that he appears to have deep wrinkles all around his eyes and forehead.  As one of the most powerful sorcerers in the Nine Realms you'd think he could get rid of a few laugh lines.  Girl definitely needs some anti-wrinkle cream.  My only conclusion is that this is intentional and involves some facet of an earlier storyline that I am not privy to.

Otherwise, I think we should all chip in and send poor Loki some Oil of Olay.

As per usual, The Trickster is up to something, and that something turns out to be bringing the god Bor back to life from where his soul has been banished into the snow.  Snow, as we know, is one of Loki's specialties, and so it begs the question as to why he didn't think of this 500 issues ago. I guess what's important is that he's thought of it now, and apparently it is a mightily big deal as far as ideas go.

Forgive me if I use the word "mightily" more times than is strictly necessary, but this is a Thor review.

It doesn't take long for Bor to start destroying vehicles, and with a little magical push from Loki is soon rampaging merrily throughout New York City as all Asgardians are wont to do.  It also doesn't take long for our mighty hero to find him (after those two previously mentioned pages of Don Blake) and for everything to go straight to Hel.

You see, courtesy of Loki, Bor isn't seeing or hearing anything that's really going on.  So instead of hugging his grandson and catching a burger together, he is instead bent on avenging the death of his own son, Odin, whom he presumes to be dead.  I, too, am presuming Odin to be dead, because I don't know any better and haven't read a Thor comic in ten years.

Chaos, violence, and property damage ensues for many, many pages.  So many pages, in fact, that I began skipping over them, assuming the dialogue to be little more than "VERILY, STAND DOWN!" and "TO THE DEATH!!".  Little did I know, upon going back and actually reading them, that I was correct.

Thor was never what i'd consider verbose.  Hence why I always liked Loki better.

The two boys have just destroyed a museum when Thor finally decides enough is enough and hollers for the Avengers to come help him.  Literally.  I was unaware that any man could yell that loudly but apparently when Thor screams "AVENGERS ASSEMBLE" it can be heard for miles and miles around.  Unfortunately it is heard for miles around by the wrong folks, and the next thing I know...

Waitafuckingminute...who the hell is this?!

You know you've been out of comics a long time when there is a splash panel of a superhero team and you recognize absolutely no one.  I think that might be Hawkeye in the background though I'm not sure, and that sort of looks like Venom and Wolverine...but...I don't even know.

But hey, lookit that!  It didn't even matter because they've all been tromped within the next four pages anyway!  Huzzah!  And with that mighty ass-whooping comes the crescendo of our story, as Bor has gone super-saiyan, sending every human in a hundred yard radius flying into the surrounding buildings.  In the meantime, Loki has revealed all this nonsense to Balder (who probably needed the distraction as he looked thoroughly disinterested lounging on his throne) and they both make haste for Earth to stop Thor from doing the unspeakable.

Well, not really.  You know damn good and well that Loki is taking more left turns than a crooked cab driver.

Anyway, there have been more panels of melee in the interim, and we now find ourselves at the final blow, the last hoorah, the coup de grâce, the mighty finish.  The mighty finish that...really isn't all that mighty, really.  I mean, Bor was apparently the god who could "tear the heart out of the living world" and it took less than a full issue to kill him?  Really?  I am unimpressed.

This is, of course, the precise moment that Balder and Loki arrive, and the whole gang takes a moment to be appropriately aghast at the fact that Thor has just killed the first king of Asgard.  This is also when I really noticed the horrifically deep laugh lines on Loki's poor face!  My god, are his eyes sinking into their sockets or something?  Why does he look like that?  Amazingly enough, despite the fact that his face looks slightly decrepit, his breasts are still perky and light!

That's all the fanboys are really looking at, anyway.

The story picks up back in Asgard where Loki and his breasts are waxing on poetic while Balder is looking disinterested again.  He perks up slightly upon hearing Thor's little monologue, but sobers once he's administered the sentence:  eternal banishment.  Surely this isn't the first time that Thor has been banished, but he seems to be taking it hard regardless, turning away to put his hands over his ears like a five year old shouting "I'm not listeninnnngg! I'm not listening!  LALALALALALALAAAA!"

He departs for lands unknown.  Again, literally.  We don't know where he goes or how he gets there, but we assume it's Earth.  

All Thor comics seem to end in a bar of some sort, and this issue is no exception.  Loki sits, cradling his breasts while having a chat with the Warriors Three.  Asgard is sucking balls these days, but Loki has a plan for them to move somewhere more hospitable where they can all live like manly men, running wild and free through the forest.  As this is obviously every Asgardian's dream come true (don't any of them want to be accountants?) they all seem to fall for the ploy and inquire about this magical land of loincloths and voluptuous women.

Too bad the Land of Manly Men (as it will henceforth be called) is Latveria, home of Victor Von Doom.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!

All in all, despite the fact that 50% of this issue didn't have any dialogue and was little more than a fistfight, I enjoyed it.  I can see that this is setting up a large plotline, so I can forgive its flaws.  On a side-note, there are three other stories in this issue that I didn't bother reading, but they're self-contained so I won't be missing anything.

Now all I have to do is go buy the rest of this series and see what the hell happens.  Damn comic books costing real money!

On that note, it's time for dinner and I think i've waxed on rather mightily.  And keep in mind:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT! 

Review: Legion of Superheroes #12 (v7) or The Underwhelming

Review: Legion of Superheroes (v7) #12

 

I'd had high hopes for this issue when the cover reminded me of a Night on Bald Mountain.  All that big bastard needed was a strings section and I might have peed myself  like I did watching Fantasia as a kid.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was suitably confused.  Who the hell was this dog pile of bipeds vying for the Chernobog's attention?  Are they all Duplicate Damsel?  And good lord, we've got some serious ADD going on here!  Brainy, the big monster is in the other direction!  What the fuck are you and Dreamy looking at?  But at least they seem appropriately concerned.  Mon-El on the other hand is giving the thousand yard stare, looking surprisingly bored considering there is a hundred foot monstrosity bearing down on him.

It's good to be a Daxamite?

Inside we pick up where we left off last issue.  Our heroes have been embarrassingly tromped by the Dominators and are being served ala-carte to an insanely fat creature that I think is meant to look like Jabba the Hut.  Seriously now, how the hell are those little dudes even pushing him?  I must admit though that the Dominators' world makes the little princess inside of me weep with joy.  Purple and pink and gold, OH MY!

But look now!  Dream Girl has pressed the release button that was ludicrously close to her bound hands and escaped! I guess that's the most drama we can hope for as there were no superhumans around to flex some muscle and break the bonds in some exciting way.

And soon the entire team is free and engaged in mighty battle!

 

Well, everyone but Comet Queen, who has apparently been knocked unconscious sometime between now and the end of issue #11.  But you know what?  I've barely seen her a dozen times and I'd love to read an entire issue of her being devoured by Jabba the Hut with a pair of child's chopsticks.  I bet she tastes like a lemon Starburst.

And this, friends, is where our Chernobog comes in, set free by his four-armed friend, Kali.  Except...he's not nearly as big as he was on the cover and I am instantly let down.  I feel cheated by this somewhat average-sized, boxer-briefed, half-monster man who could easily be the mutated twin brother of Germany from Hetalia. 

And where the hell are his laser beam eyes!??  What kind of self-respecting monster comes out of their cocoon without laser beams a-blazing??  If I were a monster born from a pod of raspberry jello, i'd want to make a good first impression.

But speaking of impressions, i'd like to mention that every scene involving Brainiac 5 is great.  No, he's no the Brainy I remember, but he's still by far the most amusing and interesting character in the entire legion.  In fact, he's so damn cute that I can forgive him his horrible sense of fashion and overlook those 60's go-go boots.  Maybe he highlights as an erotic dancer.  I'd put a few dollars down his shorts.

*nudge nudge wink wink*

Back on Earth we find our inglorious leader still at odds with himself, though seemingly about to come up with  a plan to help our battling legionnaires on the Dominator world.  The world where Brainiac 5 has just conjured up a great plan of his own!  Apparently the only idea he could come up with on short notice depends entirely on the character that has, up to this point, been wheelchair bound and whom I am not 100% certain isn't blind.

THIS IS THE BEST PLAN EVER.  IT WILL OBVIOUSLY SUCCEED.

Classically it does, as only the most obscure legion plans do.  And in the process gives us the most memorable line of the issue:

"If you dream it, you can do it!"

Thank you, Dreamy, I feel suitably inspired.  Hell, you've even inspired Mon-El! Whom, aided by a poorly drawn flashback of issue #10 provided by Princess Projectra, is now on his way to help you!  Can anyone explain to me why Sensor Girl is wearing a lucha libre mask? 

No?  Let's move on then.

Back in the Dominion our clever legionnaires have worked out that if they knock over the enormous tree that the little monsters are hanging off of, that the little bastards won't bloom and therefore won't hatch! But wait...if that's true how did the first guy hatch?  Eeeeehhh...

OH LOOK, MON-EL AND ULTRA BOY ARE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!

Great timing you guys!  Because no matter how many legionnaires Levitz throws at the Dominators, no matter how awesome their powers are or how many enemies they knock out, only YOU TWO can truly win the day!

Things wrap up rather quickly after that, with the other legionnaires scurrying off to the cruiser while Mon-El and Ultra Boy continue beating the living shit out of anything that moves and a few inanimate objects that don't.  We are also treated to the last two pages being drawn somewhat less than spectacularly by Patrick Brosseau.  The contrast between his and Portela's art is...disappointing to say the least.

One word for this "climax"?  Premature.  If this issue had been a lover I would have left the bedroom sexually frustrated.  It seemed as though the plot were building up to something a bit more exciting than a glorified bar brawl, but there you go.  There was potential (small as it was considering the enemy was the Dominators) for there to be some sort of real danger for our heroes.  I had thought Brainy was going into those pods ala the cover of issue #10, but that never happened.

All in all, the best thing to come out of this issue was that the Dominator plot is over and that apparently we have a #0 issue coming out about Brainiac 5.  And, as I mentioned, every scene involving Brainy is great.

So!  This is me, signing off on my first review. And never forget:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!  

Brainiac 5 Takes His Coffee Black

I had a dream about Brainiac 5.

That was how this whole thing got started.  I had a really random dream about Brainiac 5 and I having a discussion over some extraordinarily strong espresso.  What were we talking about?  No fucking clue.  What I do know is that when I woke up I realized something:

I had not read a comic book in ten years.

TEN YEARS.

In fact, not only had I not read a comic in ten years, but I had just sold the last of my old X-Men comics a mere three months before.  I had held onto them out of some strange sense of nostalgia, I think.  I never read them, nor were they in proper bags or stored in any way that could be considered correct.  In fact, I had sort of hidden them away in the back of my closet like a dirty secret, like that drug habit you had in your early 20's that you don't tell anyone about once you turn 30.

But now, much to my surprise, I have reentered the world of comics with new enthusiasm!  Screw people who say reading comics is for kids!  Not only do I have a decently paying job and therefore more money to spend, but I have a whole ten years to catch back up on!

So, seeing as how they were always my favorite and I'd had a really great cup of joe with Brainy, I decided to springboard back in with my old love, the Legion of Superheroes.  The legion had always been that comic none of my friends were into and the one I could never get them to read.  Too cheesy. Too old school.  Too many characters.  But that was always why I loved it!

To say I was surprised upon reentry is...an understatement.

What happened to my legion?!

I, friends, am a child of the 90's.  The reboot, post-zero hour legion was "my" legion.  And so you can imagine my surprise upon picking up a copy of the New 52 and seeing characters that reminded me more of the original legion (read: the ones I never read) than anything I'd grown up with.  This was not my Brainiac 5.  Why the hell is Invisible Kid black with a French accent?!  Wait, Lyle is dead?!  Saturn Girl has kids?!!  Who the hell was Earth Man?!!  Ayla and Violet are lesbians??!!  WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Barring the fact that I was thrilled to see lesbians, I was utterly flabbergasted.  What had become of the starry-eyed legionnaires I remembered from my youth?  Had they simply grown up into this?  (Brainiac 5's fashion sense had seriously gone down the tubes.)  Or were these different people altogether?  Sadly, due to the fact that no one in real life seems to like legion comics, I was on my own to satiate these burning questions.

So I scoured the net.  I scoured the net for hours.  And my findings?  Shocking.  Not only were my beloved Legionnaires wandering the multiverse, but there had been another legion in the interim!  What the hell happened to them?  I have no idea.  I can't seem to find out.  If anyone reading this blog happens to know, I'll bake you cookies if you an explain where they went.

It was all very upsetting.  Not only were my favorite characters not my favorite characters anymore, but I was going to have to buy a hell of a lot of back comics to get my bearings on things.  On the plus side, as no one in real life likes legion comics, they are also very cheap.  I was able to catch up pretty quickly, though I'm still in the process of collecting all the different reboots.

I must have them all, obviously.  Otherwise i'll vaguely feel like a failure.  

Here's where this blog comes in.  I like reviewing things.  I like the Legion of Superheroes.  Can I combine these likes in a humorous way that will amuse both myself and others?  Maybe?  Maybe not.  But its a fun way to pass the time.  Will I move onto other comics eventually?  Almost certainly.  Thor has been calling my name for a while now.

Wait...LOKI IS A KID? WTF?!!

To wrap this up.  Hi. My name is Katherine, I'm 32 years old, have an unhealthy obsession with pairing cute boys together, and have just recently relapsed into my comic book habit.

Let me fill out my nametag and we'll get started with the 12 step program.

K