Review: Jurassic Park! RAAAAAAWWRRRRRR!!!

 

 Review: Jurassic Park

Let me start this review by saying that I'm very sorry if my friend J.Mac spent the full $10 dollars on this adaptation of Steven Spielberg's film.  Very, very sorry.  Secondly, i'd like to point out that this comic book smelled funny upon my opening it, and I hope that's not an indication of what J.Mac has been doing with it.  

I'm just sayin'.

We all know the story: eccentric billionaire spends shitloads of money making an island full of dinosaurs, only to have his hopes and dreams shattered when the very first people to visit it are injured, maimed, violently dismembered, and otherwise killed on the premises.  Lesson learned?  Hardly.  There are two horrifically bad sequels to the original Jurassic Park film.

But we're not here to talk about that.  

We're here to talk about scenes like this: 

Ignoring momentarily the appalling lack of shading, i'm inclined to point out that "RAAAAAAWWWR" and "NOOOOOOOOO" seems to be the running theme of this book.  Nearly every character utters/moans/screams it at some point, mostly in their final moments or what they perceive to be their final moments. Even the dinosaurs are actually given speech bubbles to indicate that, yes, they are in fact the characters "speaking".  

Because I don't know about you, but without those bubbles I never would have been able to figure out who was saying "RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWR" and "ROOOOOOOAAAAAAOOOORR" and "HIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" 

Getting back to the art.  This is probably one of the most poorly drawn comics i've ever seen.  You would think, with this being an "official" tie in to one of the most popular movies of all time, that it would have garnered a better artist.  Sadly not.  The line art, while not being too horrible unto itself, is so badly inked, colored and shaded that it looks like something a high school senior might do as their final project in art class.  The coloring is so poor that it makes the drawings look absolutely flat, which I would expect of a comic that was produced in...say...the 1950's.  But this comic came out in 1993, and comic coloring in that time was not nearly this poor.

STEVEN SPIELBERG OBVIOUSLY HATES COMICS AND THE ENTIRE COMIC INDUSTRY.

I must admit, however, that I was impressed with the fact that they left most of the character deaths in the storyline.  The movie was PG-13, but the comic industry doesn't really have a rating system like that. So, seeing as how comics have always been considered something "for kids", I was kind of shocked to see even poorly drawn goat intestines and splattering blood on the page.  Because apparently it's not okay for kids to see violent death on screen, but looking at a dinosaur rip its claws into a man's bleeding face when it's not moving is perfectly all right.

Ohhhh, priorities.

On a disturbing and politically charged note, the only character death left out was...the black man's.  I mean, for god's sake, we see the annoying fat, white dude get eaten! But the poor, token black man?  We're left wondering at his fate, as even in the last panel of the comic he is woefully absent.  Did he die?  Did they intentionally leave his black ass behind?  Did he join the dinosaurs in carnage and violence like the 1992 L.A riots?  We don't know. We will never know.

THIS COMIC IS OBVIOUSLY RACIST.

I would also like to point out that the creators of this comic should be grateful that the actors of the film didn't sue them for emotional trauma and defamation of character.  Because if you put a picture of any actor in the film next to his or her corresponding comic doppelganger...well...it is not flattering.  I mean, if all you ever saw was this comic, you would assume that the entire film had been acted by very unattractive men who all look like forty-five year old overweight porn stars. Even the women.

No offense to porn stars.

So, all in all, am I glad I got my hands on this comic?  That I got a chance to read a tie in to one of my favorite films of all time?  No.  No, i'm not.  Because I had very fond memories of that film, and now every time I watch it or even think about watching it, all i'm going to see is this:

Thanks a fucking lot, J.Mac. You asshole.

Review: Legion Secret Origins #1 or Why is Brainy Pointing At His Crotch?

 Review: Legion Secret Origins #1/6

 

It says something about the popularity of this miniseries that it ended in May and all of the issues were still on the shelves in August with the exception of #5, which was oddly absent.  What, does something amazing happen in #5 that I should know about? In all seriousness though, I thought this mini was pretty good, as it's always nice to help new readers find their way into the "origins" of a series.  Especially one with such a long and ..."complex" history as the legion.  I especially loved the penciling!  I recognized the style instantly from The Legion series, and if Portela is leaving the current Legion of Superheroes title than I'd  love to see Batista take back the reins.

The series plants us on the planet Anotrom, where the Science Police are investigating what appears to be a worldwide massacre in suits that remind me vaguely of Starship Troopers.  Cue them being flabbergasted, as things like that just don't happen in the 31st century!  Ignore the fact that I can recall it happening at least four times at different points in legion history.

It doesn't happen often, anyway.

On a curious sidenote: why are 98% of the aliens in comics always bipedal?  Moreover, why don't we see more lifeforms that aren't carbon based?  What, did no four legged dog aliens become sentient?  Can we not have telepathic crystal aliens?  Aliens without navels?  Creativity here, people!

At any rate, once the Science Police -- being an inept group kept around solely for plot movement -- are not able to discern what the hell happened to Anotrom and accidentally blow up the side of a cruiser, they find themselves on Colu begging the help of the Little Green Men.  Or in this case, one little green man named Querl Dox, who, along with being the "mightiest thinker" of them all,  is also the only Coluan without male pattern baldness.

Mightiest thinker of them all, indeed.

It's at this point that we're introduced to an odd trio of characters through whom all the alternating threads of the storyline are meant to pass.  They're sort of like glorified data processors, from what I can tell.  And it is through them that we witness our real origin story --you know-- the one about Garth, Imra and Rokk saving Brande from an assassination attempt?  Yeah, that one.  It's also to be noted that I believe this is the moment that we're meant to get an ominous feeling about one of our trio, and not only due to the fact that he looks like a cross between Morgan Freeman and Kofi Annan.  I smell something fishy, and it isn't just the copious amounts of spandex being worn in the 31st century.

Seriously!  Everyone's outfit is skin tight!

Back on Anotrom, our Mightest Thinker is having the first off-world adventure of his life with what I think is the tiniest yellow carry-on in the galaxy.  I am unclear exactly what can fit into that thing, as the one instrument Brainy does pull from it likely took up half the available space.  Regardless, it matches well with both his hair and go-go boots, so at least Brainy knows how to accessorize, despite the fact that he's wearing an entire suit of pink and purple.

It's at this point that i'd like to mention my one major problem with this series: the storyline confusion.  Brainiac 5's little device is about to give off a small amount of energy which will then be absorbed by a small pink orb and explode like the side of that previously mentioned cruiser.  And I'll be honest with you.  That scene was so brief and dismissible that i'd already forgotten about it.  So this explosion confused me enough that I had to go back and re-read the beginning.  

This is not cohesive storytelling. 

But hey, what does it matter when Tinya is here to confuse me even further by phasing up through the surface of the planet!  Wait, what?  What prompted this?  Where was she previously?  Was she just floating in the rocks?  When did she get there?  Why is Brainiac 5 pointing at his crotch?!  Surely there is a better way to activate that forcefield belt than pointing at your crotch.  

Even Tinya's explanation of coming through the wormhole to "warn" people doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.  If she came through the wormhole than she's been on this decimated planet for what...days?  And she's just now floating up through the rocks?  What?  Why?

This is not cohesive storytelling.  But dammit if Brainiac 5's facial expressions don't make me laugh.  And he and Tinya pressing fingers together is rather adorable.  

The issue ends with Luornu being sworn into the legion while our glorified data processors watch absolutely everything in a way that is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.  Seriously, how are they doing this?  I don't see cameras floating around everywhere.  Watching the swearing in makes sense, as there might be media cameras, but how are they watching Brainiac 5 and Tinya?  

On the whole, I'm enjoying this series, though mostly for its art.  Its all rather cute and harmless fun, and the amount of Brainiac 5 scenes makes me, as usual, super happy.  They need to give him his own series.  I bet people would read it.  Granted, a whole issue of him sitting in his lab, experimenting on cockroaches, might not make for good reading.  

Here's to me actually finding issue #5 of this series and remember friends:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!

Review: Legion of Superheroes #12 (v7) or The Underwhelming

Review: Legion of Superheroes (v7) #12

 

I'd had high hopes for this issue when the cover reminded me of a Night on Bald Mountain.  All that big bastard needed was a strings section and I might have peed myself  like I did watching Fantasia as a kid.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was suitably confused.  Who the hell was this dog pile of bipeds vying for the Chernobog's attention?  Are they all Duplicate Damsel?  And good lord, we've got some serious ADD going on here!  Brainy, the big monster is in the other direction!  What the fuck are you and Dreamy looking at?  But at least they seem appropriately concerned.  Mon-El on the other hand is giving the thousand yard stare, looking surprisingly bored considering there is a hundred foot monstrosity bearing down on him.

It's good to be a Daxamite?

Inside we pick up where we left off last issue.  Our heroes have been embarrassingly tromped by the Dominators and are being served ala-carte to an insanely fat creature that I think is meant to look like Jabba the Hut.  Seriously now, how the hell are those little dudes even pushing him?  I must admit though that the Dominators' world makes the little princess inside of me weep with joy.  Purple and pink and gold, OH MY!

But look now!  Dream Girl has pressed the release button that was ludicrously close to her bound hands and escaped! I guess that's the most drama we can hope for as there were no superhumans around to flex some muscle and break the bonds in some exciting way.

And soon the entire team is free and engaged in mighty battle!

 

Well, everyone but Comet Queen, who has apparently been knocked unconscious sometime between now and the end of issue #11.  But you know what?  I've barely seen her a dozen times and I'd love to read an entire issue of her being devoured by Jabba the Hut with a pair of child's chopsticks.  I bet she tastes like a lemon Starburst.

And this, friends, is where our Chernobog comes in, set free by his four-armed friend, Kali.  Except...he's not nearly as big as he was on the cover and I am instantly let down.  I feel cheated by this somewhat average-sized, boxer-briefed, half-monster man who could easily be the mutated twin brother of Germany from Hetalia. 

And where the hell are his laser beam eyes!??  What kind of self-respecting monster comes out of their cocoon without laser beams a-blazing??  If I were a monster born from a pod of raspberry jello, i'd want to make a good first impression.

But speaking of impressions, i'd like to mention that every scene involving Brainiac 5 is great.  No, he's no the Brainy I remember, but he's still by far the most amusing and interesting character in the entire legion.  In fact, he's so damn cute that I can forgive him his horrible sense of fashion and overlook those 60's go-go boots.  Maybe he highlights as an erotic dancer.  I'd put a few dollars down his shorts.

*nudge nudge wink wink*

Back on Earth we find our inglorious leader still at odds with himself, though seemingly about to come up with  a plan to help our battling legionnaires on the Dominator world.  The world where Brainiac 5 has just conjured up a great plan of his own!  Apparently the only idea he could come up with on short notice depends entirely on the character that has, up to this point, been wheelchair bound and whom I am not 100% certain isn't blind.

THIS IS THE BEST PLAN EVER.  IT WILL OBVIOUSLY SUCCEED.

Classically it does, as only the most obscure legion plans do.  And in the process gives us the most memorable line of the issue:

"If you dream it, you can do it!"

Thank you, Dreamy, I feel suitably inspired.  Hell, you've even inspired Mon-El! Whom, aided by a poorly drawn flashback of issue #10 provided by Princess Projectra, is now on his way to help you!  Can anyone explain to me why Sensor Girl is wearing a lucha libre mask? 

No?  Let's move on then.

Back in the Dominion our clever legionnaires have worked out that if they knock over the enormous tree that the little monsters are hanging off of, that the little bastards won't bloom and therefore won't hatch! But wait...if that's true how did the first guy hatch?  Eeeeehhh...

OH LOOK, MON-EL AND ULTRA BOY ARE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!

Great timing you guys!  Because no matter how many legionnaires Levitz throws at the Dominators, no matter how awesome their powers are or how many enemies they knock out, only YOU TWO can truly win the day!

Things wrap up rather quickly after that, with the other legionnaires scurrying off to the cruiser while Mon-El and Ultra Boy continue beating the living shit out of anything that moves and a few inanimate objects that don't.  We are also treated to the last two pages being drawn somewhat less than spectacularly by Patrick Brosseau.  The contrast between his and Portela's art is...disappointing to say the least.

One word for this "climax"?  Premature.  If this issue had been a lover I would have left the bedroom sexually frustrated.  It seemed as though the plot were building up to something a bit more exciting than a glorified bar brawl, but there you go.  There was potential (small as it was considering the enemy was the Dominators) for there to be some sort of real danger for our heroes.  I had thought Brainy was going into those pods ala the cover of issue #10, but that never happened.

All in all, the best thing to come out of this issue was that the Dominator plot is over and that apparently we have a #0 issue coming out about Brainiac 5.  And, as I mentioned, every scene involving Brainy is great.

So!  This is me, signing off on my first review. And never forget:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!