Retro Review! Thor #600 or Why Loki Needs RevitaLift.

Retro Review: Thor #600

There is no logical reason for Don Blake to be so prominently displayed on this cover.  He has a total of two pages to his credit in this issue and does absolutely nothing in that time.  Why then is he given a rather ominous, prominent spot on the cover?  Perhaps time will tell, though I was not of the impression that this story-arc had much to do with him.

It apparently does, however, have a lot to do with Loki.  And it is he that opens the storyline now, standing regally in the snow, adorned in his traditional golden horns and long fur coat with dead animal heads trailing the ground.  Sexy.  Or I guess I should say 'she', as Loki is currently in his Lady Loki form.  We'll go with 'he' as Loki identifies as a male throughout comic history.

The numbering of this issue confuses me to no end.  This was the third official Thor series, but issue #600 picks up after issue #12 to pay homage to the "classic" numbering.  Classic in regards to what series I'm not sure.  And then, to make matters more confusing, the storyline then picks up again at Journey into Mystery #622-645.

Whut?

Let's just get back to Loki, okay?

Let it be known that Olivier Coipel is one of my favorite comic artists, but I just cannot get into the way he draws Loki in this arc.  His poor face is so gaunt that he appears to have deep wrinkles all around his eyes and forehead.  As one of the most powerful sorcerers in the Nine Realms you'd think he could get rid of a few laugh lines.  Girl definitely needs some anti-wrinkle cream.  My only conclusion is that this is intentional and involves some facet of an earlier storyline that I am not privy to.

Otherwise, I think we should all chip in and send poor Loki some Oil of Olay.

As per usual, The Trickster is up to something, and that something turns out to be bringing the god Bor back to life from where his soul has been banished into the snow.  Snow, as we know, is one of Loki's specialties, and so it begs the question as to why he didn't think of this 500 issues ago. I guess what's important is that he's thought of it now, and apparently it is a mightily big deal as far as ideas go.

Forgive me if I use the word "mightily" more times than is strictly necessary, but this is a Thor review.

It doesn't take long for Bor to start destroying vehicles, and with a little magical push from Loki is soon rampaging merrily throughout New York City as all Asgardians are wont to do.  It also doesn't take long for our mighty hero to find him (after those two previously mentioned pages of Don Blake) and for everything to go straight to Hel.

You see, courtesy of Loki, Bor isn't seeing or hearing anything that's really going on.  So instead of hugging his grandson and catching a burger together, he is instead bent on avenging the death of his own son, Odin, whom he presumes to be dead.  I, too, am presuming Odin to be dead, because I don't know any better and haven't read a Thor comic in ten years.

Chaos, violence, and property damage ensues for many, many pages.  So many pages, in fact, that I began skipping over them, assuming the dialogue to be little more than "VERILY, STAND DOWN!" and "TO THE DEATH!!".  Little did I know, upon going back and actually reading them, that I was correct.

Thor was never what i'd consider verbose.  Hence why I always liked Loki better.

The two boys have just destroyed a museum when Thor finally decides enough is enough and hollers for the Avengers to come help him.  Literally.  I was unaware that any man could yell that loudly but apparently when Thor screams "AVENGERS ASSEMBLE" it can be heard for miles and miles around.  Unfortunately it is heard for miles around by the wrong folks, and the next thing I know...

Waitafuckingminute...who the hell is this?!

You know you've been out of comics a long time when there is a splash panel of a superhero team and you recognize absolutely no one.  I think that might be Hawkeye in the background though I'm not sure, and that sort of looks like Venom and Wolverine...but...I don't even know.

But hey, lookit that!  It didn't even matter because they've all been tromped within the next four pages anyway!  Huzzah!  And with that mighty ass-whooping comes the crescendo of our story, as Bor has gone super-saiyan, sending every human in a hundred yard radius flying into the surrounding buildings.  In the meantime, Loki has revealed all this nonsense to Balder (who probably needed the distraction as he looked thoroughly disinterested lounging on his throne) and they both make haste for Earth to stop Thor from doing the unspeakable.

Well, not really.  You know damn good and well that Loki is taking more left turns than a crooked cab driver.

Anyway, there have been more panels of melee in the interim, and we now find ourselves at the final blow, the last hoorah, the coup de grâce, the mighty finish.  The mighty finish that...really isn't all that mighty, really.  I mean, Bor was apparently the god who could "tear the heart out of the living world" and it took less than a full issue to kill him?  Really?  I am unimpressed.

This is, of course, the precise moment that Balder and Loki arrive, and the whole gang takes a moment to be appropriately aghast at the fact that Thor has just killed the first king of Asgard.  This is also when I really noticed the horrifically deep laugh lines on Loki's poor face!  My god, are his eyes sinking into their sockets or something?  Why does he look like that?  Amazingly enough, despite the fact that his face looks slightly decrepit, his breasts are still perky and light!

That's all the fanboys are really looking at, anyway.

The story picks up back in Asgard where Loki and his breasts are waxing on poetic while Balder is looking disinterested again.  He perks up slightly upon hearing Thor's little monologue, but sobers once he's administered the sentence:  eternal banishment.  Surely this isn't the first time that Thor has been banished, but he seems to be taking it hard regardless, turning away to put his hands over his ears like a five year old shouting "I'm not listeninnnngg! I'm not listening!  LALALALALALALAAAA!"

He departs for lands unknown.  Again, literally.  We don't know where he goes or how he gets there, but we assume it's Earth.  

All Thor comics seem to end in a bar of some sort, and this issue is no exception.  Loki sits, cradling his breasts while having a chat with the Warriors Three.  Asgard is sucking balls these days, but Loki has a plan for them to move somewhere more hospitable where they can all live like manly men, running wild and free through the forest.  As this is obviously every Asgardian's dream come true (don't any of them want to be accountants?) they all seem to fall for the ploy and inquire about this magical land of loincloths and voluptuous women.

Too bad the Land of Manly Men (as it will henceforth be called) is Latveria, home of Victor Von Doom.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!

All in all, despite the fact that 50% of this issue didn't have any dialogue and was little more than a fistfight, I enjoyed it.  I can see that this is setting up a large plotline, so I can forgive its flaws.  On a side-note, there are three other stories in this issue that I didn't bother reading, but they're self-contained so I won't be missing anything.

Now all I have to do is go buy the rest of this series and see what the hell happens.  Damn comic books costing real money!

On that note, it's time for dinner and I think i've waxed on rather mightily.  And keep in mind:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT! 

Review: Legion of Superheroes #12 (v7) or The Underwhelming

Review: Legion of Superheroes (v7) #12

 

I'd had high hopes for this issue when the cover reminded me of a Night on Bald Mountain.  All that big bastard needed was a strings section and I might have peed myself  like I did watching Fantasia as a kid.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was suitably confused.  Who the hell was this dog pile of bipeds vying for the Chernobog's attention?  Are they all Duplicate Damsel?  And good lord, we've got some serious ADD going on here!  Brainy, the big monster is in the other direction!  What the fuck are you and Dreamy looking at?  But at least they seem appropriately concerned.  Mon-El on the other hand is giving the thousand yard stare, looking surprisingly bored considering there is a hundred foot monstrosity bearing down on him.

It's good to be a Daxamite?

Inside we pick up where we left off last issue.  Our heroes have been embarrassingly tromped by the Dominators and are being served ala-carte to an insanely fat creature that I think is meant to look like Jabba the Hut.  Seriously now, how the hell are those little dudes even pushing him?  I must admit though that the Dominators' world makes the little princess inside of me weep with joy.  Purple and pink and gold, OH MY!

But look now!  Dream Girl has pressed the release button that was ludicrously close to her bound hands and escaped! I guess that's the most drama we can hope for as there were no superhumans around to flex some muscle and break the bonds in some exciting way.

And soon the entire team is free and engaged in mighty battle!

 

Well, everyone but Comet Queen, who has apparently been knocked unconscious sometime between now and the end of issue #11.  But you know what?  I've barely seen her a dozen times and I'd love to read an entire issue of her being devoured by Jabba the Hut with a pair of child's chopsticks.  I bet she tastes like a lemon Starburst.

And this, friends, is where our Chernobog comes in, set free by his four-armed friend, Kali.  Except...he's not nearly as big as he was on the cover and I am instantly let down.  I feel cheated by this somewhat average-sized, boxer-briefed, half-monster man who could easily be the mutated twin brother of Germany from Hetalia. 

And where the hell are his laser beam eyes!??  What kind of self-respecting monster comes out of their cocoon without laser beams a-blazing??  If I were a monster born from a pod of raspberry jello, i'd want to make a good first impression.

But speaking of impressions, i'd like to mention that every scene involving Brainiac 5 is great.  No, he's no the Brainy I remember, but he's still by far the most amusing and interesting character in the entire legion.  In fact, he's so damn cute that I can forgive him his horrible sense of fashion and overlook those 60's go-go boots.  Maybe he highlights as an erotic dancer.  I'd put a few dollars down his shorts.

*nudge nudge wink wink*

Back on Earth we find our inglorious leader still at odds with himself, though seemingly about to come up with  a plan to help our battling legionnaires on the Dominator world.  The world where Brainiac 5 has just conjured up a great plan of his own!  Apparently the only idea he could come up with on short notice depends entirely on the character that has, up to this point, been wheelchair bound and whom I am not 100% certain isn't blind.

THIS IS THE BEST PLAN EVER.  IT WILL OBVIOUSLY SUCCEED.

Classically it does, as only the most obscure legion plans do.  And in the process gives us the most memorable line of the issue:

"If you dream it, you can do it!"

Thank you, Dreamy, I feel suitably inspired.  Hell, you've even inspired Mon-El! Whom, aided by a poorly drawn flashback of issue #10 provided by Princess Projectra, is now on his way to help you!  Can anyone explain to me why Sensor Girl is wearing a lucha libre mask? 

No?  Let's move on then.

Back in the Dominion our clever legionnaires have worked out that if they knock over the enormous tree that the little monsters are hanging off of, that the little bastards won't bloom and therefore won't hatch! But wait...if that's true how did the first guy hatch?  Eeeeehhh...

OH LOOK, MON-EL AND ULTRA BOY ARE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!

Great timing you guys!  Because no matter how many legionnaires Levitz throws at the Dominators, no matter how awesome their powers are or how many enemies they knock out, only YOU TWO can truly win the day!

Things wrap up rather quickly after that, with the other legionnaires scurrying off to the cruiser while Mon-El and Ultra Boy continue beating the living shit out of anything that moves and a few inanimate objects that don't.  We are also treated to the last two pages being drawn somewhat less than spectacularly by Patrick Brosseau.  The contrast between his and Portela's art is...disappointing to say the least.

One word for this "climax"?  Premature.  If this issue had been a lover I would have left the bedroom sexually frustrated.  It seemed as though the plot were building up to something a bit more exciting than a glorified bar brawl, but there you go.  There was potential (small as it was considering the enemy was the Dominators) for there to be some sort of real danger for our heroes.  I had thought Brainy was going into those pods ala the cover of issue #10, but that never happened.

All in all, the best thing to come out of this issue was that the Dominator plot is over and that apparently we have a #0 issue coming out about Brainiac 5.  And, as I mentioned, every scene involving Brainy is great.

So!  This is me, signing off on my first review. And never forget:

IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!  

Brainiac 5 Takes His Coffee Black

I had a dream about Brainiac 5.

That was how this whole thing got started.  I had a really random dream about Brainiac 5 and I having a discussion over some extraordinarily strong espresso.  What were we talking about?  No fucking clue.  What I do know is that when I woke up I realized something:

I had not read a comic book in ten years.

TEN YEARS.

In fact, not only had I not read a comic in ten years, but I had just sold the last of my old X-Men comics a mere three months before.  I had held onto them out of some strange sense of nostalgia, I think.  I never read them, nor were they in proper bags or stored in any way that could be considered correct.  In fact, I had sort of hidden them away in the back of my closet like a dirty secret, like that drug habit you had in your early 20's that you don't tell anyone about once you turn 30.

But now, much to my surprise, I have reentered the world of comics with new enthusiasm!  Screw people who say reading comics is for kids!  Not only do I have a decently paying job and therefore more money to spend, but I have a whole ten years to catch back up on!

So, seeing as how they were always my favorite and I'd had a really great cup of joe with Brainy, I decided to springboard back in with my old love, the Legion of Superheroes.  The legion had always been that comic none of my friends were into and the one I could never get them to read.  Too cheesy. Too old school.  Too many characters.  But that was always why I loved it!

To say I was surprised upon reentry is...an understatement.

What happened to my legion?!

I, friends, am a child of the 90's.  The reboot, post-zero hour legion was "my" legion.  And so you can imagine my surprise upon picking up a copy of the New 52 and seeing characters that reminded me more of the original legion (read: the ones I never read) than anything I'd grown up with.  This was not my Brainiac 5.  Why the hell is Invisible Kid black with a French accent?!  Wait, Lyle is dead?!  Saturn Girl has kids?!!  Who the hell was Earth Man?!!  Ayla and Violet are lesbians??!!  WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Barring the fact that I was thrilled to see lesbians, I was utterly flabbergasted.  What had become of the starry-eyed legionnaires I remembered from my youth?  Had they simply grown up into this?  (Brainiac 5's fashion sense had seriously gone down the tubes.)  Or were these different people altogether?  Sadly, due to the fact that no one in real life seems to like legion comics, I was on my own to satiate these burning questions.

So I scoured the net.  I scoured the net for hours.  And my findings?  Shocking.  Not only were my beloved Legionnaires wandering the multiverse, but there had been another legion in the interim!  What the hell happened to them?  I have no idea.  I can't seem to find out.  If anyone reading this blog happens to know, I'll bake you cookies if you an explain where they went.

It was all very upsetting.  Not only were my favorite characters not my favorite characters anymore, but I was going to have to buy a hell of a lot of back comics to get my bearings on things.  On the plus side, as no one in real life likes legion comics, they are also very cheap.  I was able to catch up pretty quickly, though I'm still in the process of collecting all the different reboots.

I must have them all, obviously.  Otherwise i'll vaguely feel like a failure.  

Here's where this blog comes in.  I like reviewing things.  I like the Legion of Superheroes.  Can I combine these likes in a humorous way that will amuse both myself and others?  Maybe?  Maybe not.  But its a fun way to pass the time.  Will I move onto other comics eventually?  Almost certainly.  Thor has been calling my name for a while now.

Wait...LOKI IS A KID? WTF?!!

To wrap this up.  Hi. My name is Katherine, I'm 32 years old, have an unhealthy obsession with pairing cute boys together, and have just recently relapsed into my comic book habit.

Let me fill out my nametag and we'll get started with the 12 step program.

K