Retro Review: Thor #600
There is no logical reason for Don Blake to be so prominently displayed on this cover. He has a total of two pages to his credit in this issue and does absolutely nothing in that time. Why then is he given a rather ominous, prominent spot on the cover? Perhaps time will tell, though I was not of the impression that this story-arc had much to do with him.
It apparently does, however, have a lot to do with Loki. And it is he that opens the storyline now, standing regally in the snow, adorned in his traditional golden horns and long fur coat with dead animal heads trailing the ground. Sexy. Or I guess I should say 'she', as Loki is currently in his Lady Loki form. We'll go with 'he' as Loki identifies as a male throughout comic history.
The numbering of this issue confuses me to no end. This was the third official Thor series, but issue #600 picks up after issue #12 to pay homage to the "classic" numbering. Classic in regards to what series I'm not sure. And then, to make matters more confusing, the storyline then picks up again at Journey into Mystery #622-645.
Whut?
Let's just get back to Loki, okay?
Let it be known that Olivier Coipel is one of my favorite comic artists, but I just cannot get into the way he draws Loki in this arc. His poor face is so gaunt that he appears to have deep wrinkles all around his eyes and forehead. As one of the most powerful sorcerers in the Nine Realms you'd think he could get rid of a few laugh lines. Girl definitely needs some anti-wrinkle cream. My only conclusion is that this is intentional and involves some facet of an earlier storyline that I am not privy to.
Otherwise, I think we should all chip in and send poor Loki some Oil of Olay.
As per usual, The Trickster is up to something, and that something turns out to be bringing the god Bor back to life from where his soul has been banished into the snow. Snow, as we know, is one of Loki's specialties, and so it begs the question as to why he didn't think of this 500 issues ago. I guess what's important is that he's thought of it now, and apparently it is a mightily big deal as far as ideas go.
Forgive me if I use the word "mightily" more times than is strictly necessary, but this is a Thor review.
It doesn't take long for Bor to start destroying vehicles, and with a little magical push from Loki is soon rampaging merrily throughout New York City as all Asgardians are wont to do. It also doesn't take long for our mighty hero to find him (after those two previously mentioned pages of Don Blake) and for everything to go straight to Hel.
You see, courtesy of Loki, Bor isn't seeing or hearing anything that's really going on. So instead of hugging his grandson and catching a burger together, he is instead bent on avenging the death of his own son, Odin, whom he presumes to be dead. I, too, am presuming Odin to be dead, because I don't know any better and haven't read a Thor comic in ten years.
Chaos, violence, and property damage ensues for many, many pages. So many pages, in fact, that I began skipping over them, assuming the dialogue to be little more than "VERILY, STAND DOWN!" and "TO THE DEATH!!". Little did I know, upon going back and actually reading them, that I was correct.
Thor was never what i'd consider verbose. Hence why I always liked Loki better.
The two boys have just destroyed a museum when Thor finally decides enough is enough and hollers for the Avengers to come help him. Literally. I was unaware that any man could yell that loudly but apparently when Thor screams "AVENGERS ASSEMBLE" it can be heard for miles and miles around. Unfortunately it is heard for miles around by the wrong folks, and the next thing I know...
Waitafuckingminute...who the hell is this?!
You know you've been out of comics a long time when there is a splash panel of a superhero team and you recognize absolutely no one. I think that might be Hawkeye in the background though I'm not sure, and that sort of looks like Venom and Wolverine...but...I don't even know.
But hey, lookit that! It didn't even matter because they've all been tromped within the next four pages anyway! Huzzah! And with that mighty ass-whooping comes the crescendo of our story, as Bor has gone super-saiyan, sending every human in a hundred yard radius flying into the surrounding buildings. In the meantime, Loki has revealed all this nonsense to Balder (who probably needed the distraction as he looked thoroughly disinterested lounging on his throne) and they both make haste for Earth to stop Thor from doing the unspeakable.
Well, not really. You know damn good and well that Loki is taking more left turns than a crooked cab driver.
Anyway, there have been more panels of melee in the interim, and we now find ourselves at the final blow, the last hoorah, the coup de grâce, the mighty finish. The mighty finish that...really isn't all that mighty, really. I mean, Bor was apparently the god who could "tear the heart out of the living world" and it took less than a full issue to kill him? Really? I am unimpressed.
This is, of course, the precise moment that Balder and Loki arrive, and the whole gang takes a moment to be appropriately aghast at the fact that Thor has just killed the first king of Asgard. This is also when I really noticed the horrifically deep laugh lines on Loki's poor face! My god, are his eyes sinking into their sockets or something? Why does he look like that? Amazingly enough, despite the fact that his face looks slightly decrepit, his breasts are still perky and light!
That's all the fanboys are really looking at, anyway.
The story picks up back in Asgard where Loki and his breasts are waxing on poetic while Balder is looking disinterested again. He perks up slightly upon hearing Thor's little monologue, but sobers once he's administered the sentence: eternal banishment. Surely this isn't the first time that Thor has been banished, but he seems to be taking it hard regardless, turning away to put his hands over his ears like a five year old shouting "I'm not listeninnnngg! I'm not listening! LALALALALALALAAAA!"
He departs for lands unknown. Again, literally. We don't know where he goes or how he gets there, but we assume it's Earth.
All Thor comics seem to end in a bar of some sort, and this issue is no exception. Loki sits, cradling his breasts while having a chat with the Warriors Three. Asgard is sucking balls these days, but Loki has a plan for them to move somewhere more hospitable where they can all live like manly men, running wild and free through the forest. As this is obviously every Asgardian's dream come true (don't any of them want to be accountants?) they all seem to fall for the ploy and inquire about this magical land of loincloths and voluptuous women.
Too bad the Land of Manly Men (as it will henceforth be called) is Latveria, home of Victor Von Doom.
DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!
All in all, despite the fact that 50% of this issue didn't have any dialogue and was little more than a fistfight, I enjoyed it. I can see that this is setting up a large plotline, so I can forgive its flaws. On a side-note, there are three other stories in this issue that I didn't bother reading, but they're self-contained so I won't be missing anything.
Now all I have to do is go buy the rest of this series and see what the hell happens. Damn comic books costing real money!
On that note, it's time for dinner and I think i've waxed on rather mightily. And keep in mind:
IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!
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