Review: Legion of Superheroes (v7) #12
I'd had high hopes for this issue when the cover reminded me of a Night on Bald Mountain. All that big bastard needed was a strings section and I might have peed myself like I did watching Fantasia as a kid.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I was suitably confused. Who the hell was this dog pile of bipeds vying for the Chernobog's attention? Are they all Duplicate Damsel? And good lord, we've got some serious ADD going on here! Brainy, the big monster is in the other direction! What the fuck are you and Dreamy looking at? But at least they seem appropriately concerned. Mon-El on the other hand is giving the thousand yard stare, looking surprisingly bored considering there is a hundred foot monstrosity bearing down on him.
It's good to be a Daxamite?
Inside we pick up where we left off last issue. Our heroes have been embarrassingly tromped by the Dominators and are being served ala-carte to an insanely fat creature that I think is meant to look like Jabba the Hut. Seriously now, how the hell are those little dudes even pushing him? I must admit though that the Dominators' world makes the little princess inside of me weep with joy. Purple and pink and gold, OH MY!
But look now! Dream Girl has pressed the release button that was ludicrously close to her bound hands and escaped! I guess that's the most drama we can hope for as there were no superhumans around to flex some muscle and break the bonds in some exciting way.
And soon the entire team is free and engaged in mighty battle!
Well, everyone but Comet Queen, who has apparently been knocked unconscious sometime between now and the end of issue #11. But you know what? I've barely seen her a dozen times and I'd love to read an entire issue of her being devoured by Jabba the Hut with a pair of child's chopsticks. I bet she tastes like a lemon Starburst.
And this, friends, is where our Chernobog comes in, set free by his four-armed friend, Kali. Except...he's not nearly as big as he was on the cover and I am instantly let down. I feel cheated by this somewhat average-sized, boxer-briefed, half-monster man who could easily be the mutated twin brother of Germany from Hetalia.
And where the hell are his laser beam eyes!?? What kind of self-respecting monster comes out of their cocoon without laser beams a-blazing?? If I were a monster born from a pod of raspberry jello, i'd want to make a good first impression.
But speaking of impressions, i'd like to mention that every scene involving Brainiac 5 is great. No, he's no the Brainy I remember, but he's still by far the most amusing and interesting character in the entire legion. In fact, he's so damn cute that I can forgive him his horrible sense of fashion and overlook those 60's go-go boots. Maybe he highlights as an erotic dancer. I'd put a few dollars down his shorts.
*nudge nudge wink wink*
Back on Earth we find our inglorious leader still at odds with himself, though seemingly about to come up with a plan to help our battling legionnaires on the Dominator world. The world where Brainiac 5 has just conjured up a great plan of his own! Apparently the only idea he could come up with on short notice depends entirely on the character that has, up to this point, been wheelchair bound and whom I am not 100% certain isn't blind.
THIS IS THE BEST PLAN EVER. IT WILL OBVIOUSLY SUCCEED.
Classically it does, as only the most obscure legion plans do. And in the process gives us the most memorable line of the issue:
"If you dream it, you can do it!"
Thank you, Dreamy, I feel suitably inspired. Hell, you've even inspired Mon-El! Whom, aided by a poorly drawn flashback of issue #10 provided by Princess Projectra, is now on his way to help you! Can anyone explain to me why Sensor Girl is wearing a lucha libre mask?
No? Let's move on then.
Back in the Dominion our clever legionnaires have worked out that if they knock over the enormous tree that the little monsters are hanging off of, that the little bastards won't bloom and therefore won't hatch! But wait...if that's true how did the first guy hatch? Eeeeehhh...
OH LOOK, MON-EL AND ULTRA BOY ARE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!
Great timing you guys! Because no matter how many legionnaires Levitz throws at the Dominators, no matter how awesome their powers are or how many enemies they knock out, only YOU TWO can truly win the day!
Things wrap up rather quickly after that, with the other legionnaires scurrying off to the cruiser while Mon-El and Ultra Boy continue beating the living shit out of anything that moves and a few inanimate objects that don't. We are also treated to the last two pages being drawn somewhat less than spectacularly by Patrick Brosseau. The contrast between his and Portela's art is...disappointing to say the least.
One word for this "climax"? Premature. If this issue had been a lover I would have left the bedroom sexually frustrated. It seemed as though the plot were building up to something a bit more exciting than a glorified bar brawl, but there you go. There was potential (small as it was considering the enemy was the Dominators) for there to be some sort of real danger for our heroes. I had thought Brainy was going into those pods ala the cover of issue #10, but that never happened.
All in all, the best thing to come out of this issue was that the Dominator plot is over and that apparently we have a #0 issue coming out about Brainiac 5. And, as I mentioned, every scene involving Brainy is great.
So! This is me, signing off on my first review. And never forget:
IF YOU DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT!
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